Well..its 4.54 am and i am still awake!!! Its sooo frustrating, particularly when I try to explain to others….yes I am exhausted…yes I lay down…I even try turning soft music on, leave the tv on, turn the tv off, fluff the pillows, flip the pillows, toss, turn, count sheep, stare into the dark, lay there and think I am asleep in the hope that the power of thinking it will make it happen. But still…I lay awake. I dont know what they think but I do know they dont understand. I mean hell..I dont understand it. I cant stop yawning, I have no energy or motivation to do anything..hence why I am here…trying to motivate myself for something.

I am beginning to wonder if this disease is actually doing me any favors slowly draining my body of its life. There is that wonderful extra time I can share with my family, but what quality is it? I have no patience with the kids, I get no real pleasure out of doing anything cause I know that tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that I will pay dearly for what I do today. I get no pleasure from eating anything anymore, hunger is something I fear, cause if I feel hungry I eat and eating causes massive pain. The pain is beginning to get unbearable, the constant wind in my bowel and stomach causes it to twist. The chest pain from supressing the vomiting is severe, but if I vomit?..what hope do I have? I know my kids love me and want me around, but already I have been to big a burden on one child. So much so that he has sought that motherly love from another and confused it with the Big L. Is that what will happen with the others? that they will get so desperate to get away from me?

Already K feels the difference between what other mothers do and what I can do. T always says “When you get better mummy we can do things”. It breaks my heart, I am not going to get better, just worse. Their memories of me as a mother is a useless piece of shit that they had to look after. S dreads my mum and sister coming over, I almost dread them coming to look after me too. I try to explain to them its too much pressure for the kids, they dont understand, they say..they are old enough. Yet I dont see her putting any pressure on her son, he doesnt have to do anything cause he needs to focus on school….Do my kids have less right to that? The answer is no, but while they live with me they will always be burdened like it. Its something I am finding impossible to live with.

I am tired of this struggle. Simply put. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better, but I doubt it.

Well another day passes where I am left feeling frustrated, out of control and sick to the stomach.  I wonder how the family puts up with my whining some days, but I truly cannot help it.   I am constantly in pain these days, feel sick most of the time and can’t really eat much solids at all.   I can feel myself slowling slipping backwards and there is nothing I can do.   the house is always trashed,  yard is trashed, car is trashed. …..in fact….gastroparesis has trashed my life and now I am lost.   Bereft.    In total Limbo…Where do I go from here?

I finally filled in the “About Me” blurb, linked the Gallery to an Album and figured out how to log in make a link and a few more things. I should be going to bed…………and guess what..I am going to….will upload more picies tomorrow..well *laughs* I will be honest…Lisa showed me how :D.

thank you sweetheart..I love my place on the net!!

I will be working on this more tomorrow, but most basic pages are up. What image storing account would you like the Gallery to link to? Let me know. =)

I managed to log in and make a post…..I hope…Of course I wont know if it worked until I log out, but still, I think it did.  Muhahahaha.  Getting there sweetie!!

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